“I’m not worth it.” “I wasn’t good enough for him.” It breaks my heart to hear people say things like this, especially because I know the pain and despair of feeling worthless. In the past, whenever the person I was dating started to exhibit bad behaviors—pulling away, becoming aloof, not fully committing, being hot and cold, cheating, ghosting—I would think:
“If I was worth it, they would be different.”
And then I would obsessively stalk them as they started dating the next girl, imagining that overnight, they had magically changed.
“I bet he calls her every night.”
“I’m sure he made her his girlfriend.”
“He’ll never cheat on her.”
Because, of course, he has changed for her! She’s smarter, prettier, more successful, more athletic, more social, wealthier, more interesting, more everything than me.
I would torture myself with harsh self-criticism, highlighting all my flaws and all the things I wasn’t, truly believing that if I were better, he would change. I convinced myself that I was always the problem—that I wasn’t good enough, and that was why the person I was dating treated me so terribly. If I were better, then he would be better.
But today, I can say with full confidence that every single guy I had these thoughts about hasn’t changed. Not one of them has changed for the better. Even the ones who are now married with kids? They are exactly the same. Honestly, some of them have become even worse.
Sure, maybe they’ve grown a little, but even those who have are still nowhere near the type of man I would consider being with now. They are lightyears away from my current standards and expectations.
So, how is it that men who once made me feel worthless aren’t even worth a second glance now? Because I was never the one who was unworthy—they were.
If they had been worth me, they would have changed.
Read that again: If someone is good enough for you, they will change.
I was always good enough. In fact, I was more than good enough. I was amazing, and they were lucky to have me.
“But Lupe, isn’t that a narcissistic thing to say?”
No, because a narcissist doesn’t take accountability for where they fall short. If you’re reading this blog, chances are you acknowledge your own flaws and shortcomings. When I finally had enough of men making me feel like I was less than nothing, I had to recognize that I played a part in that. Not because I was less than nothing, but because I allowed myself to be treated that way.
None of us are perfect; we all have areas we need to improve. And that’s exactly why, if someone is good enough for you, they will change. Because they will be self-reflective enough to recognize where they are falling short.
So, what does change look like? Here are some examples:
- Improving communication skills: We’re not all born stellar communicators, but welcome to 2024, where there are therapists, coaches, books, YouTube channels, podcasts, and endless resources to help with this.
- Going to therapy: To work through triggers, traumas, or problems. If someone has serious demons to battle, therapy is a must. What happened to us isn’t our fault, but it’s our responsibility to fix what came of it.
- Attending couples counseling: If this is something you’re interested in, and your partner is good enough for you, they will do this with you. There’s so much to be learned and worked through together.
- Engaging in self-education: Reading or listening to books or podcasts about relationships, communication, sex, trauma—whatever it is, there’s always more to learn about oneself.
- Having regular, open conversations: Discussing what they’re learning, where they’re struggling, what they need help with, and what they’re proud of. And yes, you also have to be in a good mental place for these conversations.
- Striving to be their best self: This could mean working out more, eating better, journaling, talking to someone they trust, trying something new, or leaving a toxic job.
They don’t have to do all of these things, nor do they have to do these exact things. There are countless ways a person can work on themselves and change. It won’t happen overnight, and it won’t be linear. But the point is, they will do it if they are someone who is good enough for you.
They won’t just talk about it—they’ll take actionable steps, even when it’s hard (because it will be) because you are worth it. You are worth the effort and pain of self-transformation. Anyone who isn’t willing to do that isn’t worth you.
There are no ifs or buts about this. The only people who deserve to be in your life are the ones willing to make the changes necessary to be around you. This can be hard to understand if you don’t have much self-worth or have been taught that you don’t deserve good things. But the reality is that we are all worth changing for. Everyone deserves someone willing to fight for them—the real fight, the internal one.
“I’m not worth changing for.” is an illusion. You are worth it; the other person just isn’t ready, can’t, or won’t change. And for that reason, they are not worth you.
New mantra:
“I am worth changing for.”
Say it over and over and over again, every single day until it’s burned inside of you. You are worth it.
Xoxo.
Lupe Love